Breakups can be really hurtful and painful, to the point where you can feel stuck or scared for life, falling into bad habits, or afraid to invest in new relationships, keeping you blocked from new opportunities.
First of all, how to recognise you are NOT over someone?
- You constantly see signs that reminds you of them (maybe you hear their name, hear a song that you used to listen with them, see their favourite dessert and so on)
- The things that remind you of them trigger a painful and intense emotion inside you, like grief, sadness, even anger or frustration
- You see them in other people
- If you start to date other people you always compare them
- You stalk their social media frequently or ask about them in your common friend group
- You dream or daydream about them pretty often
Causes for not allowing yourself to move on
I always say the first step to overcome a problem is understanding the root cause. Once you become aware of that, a deep relief may happen inside of you, making you relaxed and accepting of healing, thus further action on your part not being necessary. That being said, let’s dig in:
Cause no 1: You still love them
There is a strong misconception around love, and that love is something romantic that you cannot control. Actually love is an energy that flows through you from God, or Source Energy or whatever you wish to call it, and you CHOOSE to direct that energy towards a specific person, because the qualities they posses makes it easier for you to do so. The presence of that person makes you more relaxed, and happy, thus making you more open to receive Love energy, and then redirect it.
Once you realise that Love is energy, you can continue to send that person love from a distance, if you chose to do so. You don’t have to stop loving them if it is over. The pain is actually more intense when you try to stop yourself from loving them, because what you are doing is actually blocking your energy supply from the Divine. Allow yourself to feel the love, no matter if you are with someone or single, thus making you more happy and more open to meet someone new.
Cause no. 2: You feel guilty
It may happen that the reason you separated was because something you did that upset your partner. Maybe you lied, cheated or disappointed them in some way, and every-time you think of them, this deep intense sensation of guilt keeps you bound to them.
In this type of scenario it is vital to consider forgiving yourself, rather than seeking forgiveness from you ex-partner.
It is not your responsibility to make someone forgive you. That’s their decision. If they chose to hold on to the burden of hate or whatever negative emotion they may feel for the rest of their life, that is on them. Your responsibility is to forgive yourself, so you can feel at peace. Sometimes the ex partner may totally have forgiven you but you still feel attached to guilt. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to get back together. Forgiveness mean the release of any negative emotion regarding the relationship, so you can move on with your life.
Cause no. 3 : You feel wounded
Now this is the other end of the stick, for Cause no.2, when you are the one who has been betrayed, lied to, cheated on, or so on.
Even though I understand that such situation can cause a lot of pain, I want you to take in consideration the idea that a person cannot hurt your soul. Most likely your pride and ego is hurt, because your soul is too busy being unconditionally happy. Your soul is out there dancing and smelling the flowers.
Once you reconnect with your soul , forgiveness is really easy. In fact you start to see the whole thing like a normal experience and you become eager to see what life has in store for you next. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to get back together, or that an apology must take place. It just means you release any negative emotion attached to the situation and you move on with your life.
Cause no. 4 : You’re disconnected from yourself
If your life is generally dull or boring, and you need attention from other people, to feel happy and excited and passionate, then the breakup will be extremely painful on you, as a wake up call to focus on your own happiness and inner joy.
You cannot depend on other people to make you happy, because then you will also depend on them to make you sad.
Maybe it’s time to find what sparks you in life , what is your purpose, how you can contribute to the world, how to be more present and enjoy the small things, how to be more grateful and loving, and figuring out what gives you passion.
If you already have a list of things or activities that bring you joy and happiness , by yourself, that includes at least 10 items, then you can skip this and move on to the next cause.
Cause no. 5 : There are energy cords between you
When you connect with someone either intelectual, emotional or sexual, energy cords are formed between you, so the information exchange can take place. Usually these cords are dismissed once the interaction is over, or even after a few hours or days later, but if the interaction was very deep and intense, or held for a very long time, the cords become so strong it can take years to be dismissed, and you must take action to clean your energy of them.
I recommend a guided meditation to do this. Just search on Youtube the term “energy cord meditation” and chose one you feel most pulled towards. I can’t recommend a specific one, because every person is different and what works for me, may not work for you.
Cause no 6: Karma from past lives
Karma is unfinished business and there are chances it was passed from previous lives you spend together. If for example in a previous life, you were the daughter and he/she was the father, and the father tried to control the daughter to the point where she left home and never spoke to her father again, then that unresolved situation has such an intense emotional charge that it remains stored in your energy body, and you take it with you in the next life. In the next life you may chose to come as lovers, so that the sexual attraction and infatuation keeps pulling you together so you can resolve your misunderstandings and forgive each other. In fact the more inexplicably you feel an intense and magnetic attraction towards someone, the more likely you have some important spiritual lessons to learn, and conflicts you need to close.
But if in the moment you meet one of the partners is not ready for the closure and spiritual lessons, then he or she may run away, or ghost, leaving this feeling of unfinished business and leave you with a deep need for conversation or closure.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make the other partner co-operate. Most likely if they run away, they will encounter the things they ran away from in the next partners until they learn.
From your end , the thing you can do is, forgive the person and forgive yourself, accept the fact that you may never get closure and being ok with that, and most importantly try to understand the purpose of meeting this person and what lessons you had to learn from this interaction, so you won’t repeat the same cycle in the future. Be conscious of every emotion you experience, and if it’s negative and intense, try to identify what causes that, and how you can heal it.
Cause no. 7: You have to create a masterpiece
If you are an artist or any kind of project creator, then most likely your most profound and daring projects were inspired by intense negative emotions, that pushed you forwards like a rocket. 🚀
In our despair to get out of a dark place, we can get inspiration for transformation, or redirect our 100% focus towards a project to distract ourselves from emotions. In the long run, this project may have great impact in our lives, and it could never have been possible without a good kick in the ass or in the heart.
So every time you feel hurt from the heartbreak, use it as fuel in your creative activities. You never know the impact it can have in the world.
Cause no. 8: You have a spiritual mission together
This one is less common but I will treat it anyway. Sometimes you agree to meet not to resolve a conflict or to learn a specific spiritual lesson, but because you have an important mission on this planet. This mission can be from starting a business together to conceiving a child. But if you break up, it may mean that one or both of you was not ready for the mission and still has work to do on them on their own. Time apart may help with healing and preparation for the mission, and while being apart, even though you are happy and focused on your own personal goals, it may still be very hard to forget this person, because you have a inner knowing that you will meet again. Of course meeting again is not a guarantee since everyone has free will and can chose a different path in life, so it’s best to not wait for anyone and move on with your life, with no worries.Don’t stress about dating other people or moving to a different country. If it’s meant to be, it will be, at the right time.
OK. What now?
Once you identified the causes for not moving on, from time to time, go back and check if you moved on or not. If you feel you haven’t moved on yet, it is very important to avoid dating other people. It will only cause confusion, miss understandings and even suffering on both ends. It is only fair to declare yourself in truth single, once you got rid of past baggage, so you won’t project all your frustration and problems on others, or to keep yourself from giving in to a new person , cause you still hope to reconcile with your ex. Just give yourself more time, patience and compassion, and try to enjoy this period of rediscovering yourself and knowing yourself better.
Lots of love to you all!